27 Oct 2010 by Emily, 17 Comments »

You guys are no stranger to my hating of text speak, in fact reading your comments with their perfect spelling and grammar makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

There are few things less attractive than someone who has a small vocabulary and chooses to spell what few words they do know without any vowels. But then sometimes, you find the opposite. Someone who uses words so long and obscure that the whole thing screams of And 50 year old niceitalianguy is one of them people. Our submitter says he thinks that ‘because he uses big words he’s intelligent, in the meantime, the words he uses to describe himself reaffirms the fact that he is, indeed, an ass.  You need to post this as a warning to all women who are too dumb to know what an ass this guy is.’

About me:

Hi my name is Fred everyone calls me Freddie. I am a nice, funny, romantic guy. I am very athletic, and workout every day, I enjoy being outside and love the beach, sun and sand. That and the tanning beds keep me very tan (lol).

Sounds alright so far. Except maybe for skin-cancer-waiting-to-happen thing. But not a bad start overall.

I  am 6’1″ A bit muscular and a very very very fit…. 253 LBS……

Really?! Because I just worked out your BMI and you’re showing up as ‘in the very overweight or obese category. Losing weight would make a big difference to your health – you might want to speak to your GP about the best way to do this.’

Although I am a bit profligate(oh boy this is me),dissipated,derisory, aloof(me), nonchalant(me),and supercilious (me to a T)..

Translation: He’s recklessly extravagant and wasteful (profligate), overindulgent with sensual pleasures (dissipated), ridiculously small or inadequate (derisory), not friendly or forthcoming (aloof), casually calm and relaxed (nonchalant), and thinks he is superior to others (supercilious).

I would like to meet a nice woman hopefully PERSPICACIOUS (maybe Claudia), sanguine (maybe Dolly), ….OH PLEASE, not avaricious (Francene) or rapacious (Andrea) or quixotic (Peggy) ….. maybe Italian,(Dee) or (possibly a infinitesimal blond (Barbie) or red head (Lisa)), with out issues (Rachael) and HOPEFULLY NOT CRAZY (Gloria) (I am afraid most of you are failing at this one sweethearts), or a stalker (BONNIE). And oh yea, absolutely positively no no no no no no no FLIGHT ATTENDANTS!!!!!!!!! They are way too promiscuous (Gina) and flighty (Sue) ha, even for me!

I have been on sites like this long enough that I can elaborate….I (CHASE) VERY FEW WOMEN,(Do not think I am hopelessly in love with you (Jackie) ifI do…..I am just being considerate of you.) I believe it is a very big compliment to show attention, affection and to be there in case someone would like to talk. Do not confuse that with womanizing (Sheryl), I have a right to be happy…I will admit it will take me a long time to commit again. At this time I am disinterested in any emotional attachment (Mary)……but I did like being married.

‘infinitesimal blonde’ – pretty sure having a girlfriend you can actually see is a plus, but hey, if you’re infinitesimal and not blonde then at least he won’t find out about it.

Also, sorry flight attendants, this guy’s not interested in being part of your mile high club. Perhaps if you guys were more perspicacious you’d understand why he feels this way.

The strange list of women’s names throughout his description makes it sound as though he’s been on a lot of bad dates. However at the bottom of his profile he mentions that the names are just a bit of ‘harmless fun’. Yeah, this ones a keeper, what a great sense of humour.
What you can expect from me: A very romantic, affectionate, fun time with you being my all attention.
What I expect: A woman who can let her guard down long enough to trust for a little while. To let herself have fun………Finally I liked being married although I am not married right now…..It will be some time if any for that to happen again…..I don’t like to control and I will not let any woman control me my time is my time
I am in the process of buying a Harley….I have grown a bit wilder in my old age….And its always nice to recapture ones youth.

What you can expect from him: he uses a lot of words to say very little. He was previously married and will tell you how lovely it was, but doesn’t want to do it again. You can’t control him – he’s so wild! In fact, so wild he’s even buying  Harley. Crazy stuff!
…….please don’t get upset if I am on this site in your opinion way too much…..I am living my life please don’t judge me.

Translation: I spend so much time on this website that people point it out to me and I don’t like it but THIS IS MY LIFE DON’T (JUDGE) ME! WAAH (Christine).

Oh…………I love long straight hair on a woman
Oh Oh………Please put on pics that are your current weight…….men (me) laugh at that

He’s a man, in case you were wondering.

……..and those of you that don’t want cheap men but complain about 15 cent texts…please don’t contact me.

Have a picture on your profile……….

Please if you say you like fun…….mean it!!!!

Don’t you women get it…….men don’t want to be last on your list.

Fun? Hmm… I like playing Mario Karts, does that count?

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  1. Julie says:

    Hmph. That stupid mustache makes him look like a ’70′s porn star.

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  2. Toneman says:

    Two hidden gems:

    “[a woman] with out issues” – as opposed to “in” issues? Like she is deeply worried about bell bottoms and the death of disco?

    and my fave:

    “I am in the process of buying a Harley….I have grown a bit wilder in my old age.” – I’m sorry, but nobody “wild” engages in a “process”. Nice to meet you (Jami)! Shall we initiate the “fun” process? I brought the Sunday Jumble!”

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    • MsFledermaus says:

      The “fun” process…priceless!

      Yeah, ladies, you had better like having fun, which really means whatever idiotic or cracked-out thing I feel like doing. Shut up, woman, I’m buying a Harley!

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      • Tessie says:

        Unlike Mr. I Get It, who is busting a blood vessel that women like to dance because it’s fun.

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  3. jami says:

    Mmmm… Womb broom.

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  4. Tessie says:

    “a infinitesimal blond”

    I’m perspicacious enough to know that it’s “AN infinitesmal”, and that “blond” is for boys and “blonde” is for girls.

    Also, on behalf of all English majors, Book Geeks, Word Nerds, and all other folks like me who actually talk/write like this, I humbly apologize to the entire world. This guy is not one of us.

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  5. Lorrie says:

    Text says: I aim to hypnotize you with nonsensical vocabulary until you drop your panties just to shut me up.

    Pics say: Itsa me! Douchebaggio!

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  6. Tessie says:

    Including the names of women who personify good or bad qualities is not kind, and is not classy. We’re not impressed by how many women The Old Situation knows personally, if that’s what he’s aiming for, and while I’m not opposed to revenge on evil exes, a dating profile is not the time and place for it.

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  7. Jenna says:

    I’ve got $10 that the reason he mentions women who complain about 15 cent texts is that he will send you 10,000 texts the first week.

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  8. lunaburning says:

    You, sir, are an unequivocable douchebag (Derric), and a psuedo-intellectual (Kevin), not to mention, an utter bore (I’m looking at you, Justin).
    Is this a public service to the women who are “too dumb to know what an ass this guy is”? (John Mayer.)
    Fear not. One look at his picture should tell them all that they need to know. (Mullet.)
    In conclusion, aquiesce, perspicacious and ontamontapia to you all.
    (See? I can do it, too. That’s cool. I’m cool.

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  9. Tessie says:

    “I am in the process of buying a Harley….I have grown a bit wilder in my old age….And its always nice to recapture ones youth.”
    Men of the world, if you’re a 1972 Plymouth Valiant station wagon kinda guy, buying a Harley isn’t fooling anyone, least of all the women of the world. Pardon my unladylike language here, but every other middle-aged dipshit who couldn’t get a date in high school buys a Harley and think it makes them “wild” instead of tiresomely predictable and pathetically attempting (unsuccessfully) to recapture their acne-scarred youth. Somebody really should tell them how silly it makes them look…
    *poorly suppressed evil snicker*
    unless, of course, it’s more fun not to.

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